Saturday, November 28, 2015

hiding

i talk about monsters all the time
honey.
my monsters dont hide under beds or 
in the shadows or between hours of the night.
my monsters live in my closet.
i live in a closet.
a bit like harry potter
but not under the stairs. stars.
but i will never be freed from 
here.
in my land
i am the monster.
they will burn me down if they found out.
but i will hide here until they do.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Storm

Have you ever met a storm?
I have.
A storm is a kind of person that will take you least expect it.
You don't see it,
I didn't see it.
You don't see it until it nearly blows you away.

She was dressed in winds and hurricanes,
her hair adorned with clouds.
She was beautiful,
God, she was.
You leave her behind because you aren't strong enough to hold her heart.
I know I left her behind.
I will be back for you. I promise.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Circles

When was the last time
You spinned around in a circle
Till your head went in circles?
Till everything turned into a blur?
Till you feel you could collapse?

I remember rotating on an
Axis when I was 7.
I wonder why this seems so familiar then.

Because every day with you felt like I was spinning. Going round and round and round.
I was your orbit. I spun around you.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Capital

You know, every time I turn off the light
And turn to the side of the bed I whisper your name
I don't even think about it
I say it and then I hate myself for it
I don't need you.
I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY HEAD 
I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY BREATH.
So please.
Leave.
Break the rest of my heart. 
I will get myself a new one.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

An Eclipse

I touch the window. 
I watch the sky that grows red. It's an eclipse. 
The sky lights up with the hues I loved you in
Not quite the colour of blood. It looks like sunlight through clouds at dawn,
It's like the day at night.
You are the sun every day. The one that lights up the day.
But no one wants to see you.
You would burn them.
But today, you are the moon. 
You are the one everyone wants to see.
I am the sun today. 
The one that is tracing out your silhouette,
I will watch over you today, from a million miles away. 

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Why I burn

When you could no longer see the light in me,
That was the day I became the darkness.
That was when I burnt out every little flame still burning in me. 


Why do I still need your fire to keep burning?
Why do you keep kindling my bones?

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Mist

The last time I saw him,
he said he loved me
For the first time ever.
He never told me.
He mouthed the words out.
As if the taste of those words would hurt me.
As if the spite and rage and anger and hurt would make stay.
As if the bitterness of the sound would burn his mouth.
But that's okay.
I am gone.
Gone like the mist.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Fire

A fire is a beautiful kind of poetry.
Because it burns with you.
It will never let you burn alone.
Because fire knows.
Fire knows in its sinews,
In its heartbeat.
It is a romantic.

It will die with you. Within you.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Far away

I told you we could be alone
Far away from each other,
Together.
Let's be apart.
So that our loneliness ties us together.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Heartache

Goodbye are heartache,
I leave the country tomorrow. Or today. Shit. It's 12 already.
My heart aches.
I love a lot.
I learnt to love a lot
I will get back to the poetry once I get
To US of A.
Heartache.
I am fine.
Heartache.
I am happy.
Heartache,
Heartache, Heartache. Heartache.
Who said this isn't my farewell poetry,
heartache

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Gratitude

There are some occasions that words fail. Tears don't really work either. Theses are days when you are consumed with the emotions that feel like they are about gobble you up in their dark caverns. Caverns of guilt, gratitude, happiness, heartbreak. Emotions the colors that belong to a spectrum you have never really seen before.
And the last couple of days have been this for me. I have seen colors that rainbows don't know about.
And I am in love with so many people right now.
I am in love with the shadow/rainbow in a world without colors.
The crazy monkey who doesn't really see how beautiful she is.
The so-sane-that-it-is-insane person who is one of my favorite people in the world.
The light blue who is a good person.
The huggable teddy bear who is really evil.
The entire class I lived in for six months.
The people who are a year older than me but treat me and insult me exactly the same.
The people who are a year older than that and treat me like I am a a tolerable junior. (and band. Band of course)
The class I survived with last year. The class that survived my horrible singing and my street play mood swings and whole other bunch of crap I threw at them.
Even the people who call me pesticide and couldn't wait till I left.
I love every single one of you.
And I am going to miss every one of you like a baby misses its favorite blanket.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for the song. Thank you all. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Burn

Let's go to the sun.
Let's play with fire.
Let's flick matchsticks.
Let's light up in the dark.
Let's burn down too.
Let's burn, too.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Hide

I would ask you to run away with me,
And believe me baby,
We could get away with it
Remember how good we both are at hiding?
(Though usually it is just from each other)

And I would ask you to run away with me,
If only I didn't know
That you will say no.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

15000 Miles Away From Home

So, I may have an announcement.
Before I get to it, remember that I am 15.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I got into college.
I get to skip three years of horrid, horrid high-school and start college right now.
Well, not right now, but in August when the fall term starts.
Oh and another thing, its in USA.
PS: I am from India.
So yeah.
Just another average day.
NOT.
But there is still the visa process so I may not go.
But, I got in. Good thing I guess.
And no I am nor kidding.


I am going to college at 15.
15000 miles away from home.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Not pretty

I am writing a response to a video by nymisha. Go check out the brilliant video here. (I honestly would like to live in your head for a day, nymisha)

No. 
I know I am not pretty. I don't turn heads that are looking for long, dewy maidens whose laughter sparkles like soap bubbles I used to blow when I was young. I can't throw my head and toss my hair and catch the sun in my eyes because my eyes are like burnt charcoal. 

No, I am not pretty. 
Pretty is such a sharp word. A word that sounds like splinters. Like hard, cold, lifeless glass that pierces your soul. 

Pretty. Such a petty word.

No. I will not let me be defined by a word like pretty. I refuse to be known by such a heartless word. I am not a china doll.

So no, I am not just pretty.
 I am the sun the moon the stars. 
I am a monster.
A hideous one.
I am beautiful.
I am a Phoenix.
I may burn down, but then I will burn you down with me.
But I will rise from my ashes.

So, call me anything you want to. Just not pretty.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Bleed

one day,
she dragged a scissor through her veins
 sucked her blood out
and spat it out.

she let her heart be as empty as she thought it was.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Sinking

And this is when I cut you off.
Because I can't hurt you anymore.
Because I can't hurt me any more.

We both know how it ends,
Me grasping at straws,
You clinging on to your raft.
Both of us sinking.

So let us leave.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Withered

Today, I found a flower
buried in the multitudes of poetry.
and I realise that
Petals outlived us.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Dark

And beautiful,
I know I never told you this.
But I am afraid of the dark.
Because that's when my monsters come out.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Woods

Sometimes, I wonder what I am looking for.
I stopped my hunt for everything else.
Then I remember,
I am looking for you, beautiful.

Because, beautiful, some time ago
 We lost our way in the woods. 



Sunday, May 10, 2015

Safe

Today, wherever I turn,
You haunt me.
A little piece of scrap,
where you once poured out your heart.
A card, not meant for me,
but I still keep it.
Beads, frayed in my hands
And they bleed.
It's like you won't go away today.
It's almost like you are still holding my heart.
It's like the day I gave it to you 
and you promised to keep it safe.


Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Roots

I don't think you have met me.
I am the girl,
The girl with floating roots. 
I don't think you know me.
I have scars on the tree trunks.
They are names. 
Names of people I left. 
Don't join that list.
Don't scrape your name in just yet.
I don't think it is time for me to fly yet.
Just yet.

Storm Cloud

You hit me like a storm.
Blind-sided, blinded
I couldn't breathe.

With you, I walked
On land that didn't exist.

Don't leave me like that.
I may drown.
I may drown on dry land.


Sunday, May 3, 2015

Fairy Dust

She looked down.
The fairy dust was gone. 
She could no longer fly.

She looked up.
He was looking at her.

The magic hadn't faded just yet.




Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Don't you dare think you know anything about her yet.
You have only seen her lies so far.

Monday, April 27, 2015

It

She left her heart at your doorstep
A long time later, she came back.
Dead, destroyed and she wanted it back.
And you said you let it rot away a long time ago.




Thursday, April 16, 2015

An ending

Have you thought about it? 
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe I am done?





Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Masks

Don't love a monster.
Don't you dare. Don't try.

The monster pretends. Oh, the monster is a beautiful liar. A great actor. A pretender.
The one with the mask so real, you can't tell the difference.
Don't you dare believe that you can change a monster. Don't you try making yourself believe that, Because underneath all the smiles, its all beautiful lies. And why do you pretend? Why do you pretend not to see the poison? Why can't you just leave already?

Why don't you?


There is nothing left to love in a monster.


Saturday, April 11, 2015

Flesh

You.
What do you want?
No, we don't have anything for you.
We don't have anything for ourselves.
Don't look at us with hungry eyes.
You can't feast on our flesh.
Your eyes burn us.
But we are bitter.
We don't have anything for you.
We grew old a far time ago.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Dregs

You.
Why do you even look at her?
Her heart is in shreds.
She was was broken a long time ago.
She is the one who watches out of windows, waiting.
She is the one who waits for the left overs to scavenge.
The one who waited for people to leave behind pieces of their happiness.
To suck on the dregs of their joy.
Not to take what they had.
Just waiting for what they didn't need.


Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Stuck in an extra-small dress in a mall with no money and no mom

I probably just broke the world record for longest post title ever. Its probably longer than most of my posts.
Yes. I know. I do not write much. And I am not even going to pretend that anybody cares to read. I have no energy to vigorously canvass for attention and blog surf and comment and publicize. I genuinely have no issues if nobody reads. I am happy in my little attic blog that very few people see.
Besides I have been busy. The only reason i go home is to eat dinner and sleep. I cannot remember the last time i did homework at home. I just blindly copy.
Also, as the title mentioned, I have been having pretty amusing adventures. I sang one day at a club with friends. Nobody was listening and my friend got pissed. And you do not want to piss off that specific friend of mine. She sang with the mike in her mouth. And it was LOUD. Nobody had a choice then. She later thanked everyone for their unwavering attention. And when we are asked to do a danceable song, she played the air electric guitar and hair flipped. I shook a homemade shaker so hard that it suddenly rained mustard seeds all over. *sigh*. Good times. Good times.
Then my very awesome friend and I went book shopping with another friend who happens to have a good looking brother. (That has no part to play in the story except to annoy the latter friend. Muahahahahahaha). I lost my way to the book shop and went to right place and got lost again. I wasted about sixty rupees and was highly embarrased. Then I reached the book shop and couldn't find my friends even though they right in front of me. The book shop guy was pretty amused at my misery and insisted that my friends were right there in the book shop and hadn't abandoned me to wander aimlessly across the city with a nearly empty wallet. I found them eventually and they laughed at my sad sad story. Then me and awesome friend went to the mall to stare at good looking guys and eat. That was the sad occation where I found myself hopelessly stuck in a dress. With absolutely no way to pay for it if it tore. After about ten minutes, I emerged successfully, with a red face, untorn dress, and awesome friend laughing her butt off.
So, yeah. I think that's pretty much an honest summary of my adventures. Now, I am travelling alone in a train and most of my friends are convinced that I will probably end up on the other side of the country. I determined to prove them wrong. Buh-bye.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The seer

She doesn't touch art,
She breathes it in,
The heady scent of beauty.

The observer watches closely. But from a distance. Her eyes graze over the poetry. Words that she could never string together. The clatter of footfall of distracted hearts never distracted her.

She stood still as the world moved around her.
She couldn't be bothered by it anymore.
The entire building's heart beat as one.
Words bled through her fingers
Like a child trying to hold onto water.
They slipped away.
But she couldn't be bothered anymore.
The world was gone anyway.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Days like these


Yeah, well I apologize. I got caught up in life. But then life has been bad. So here I am back again. In the sedative realities of internet.
But I am not here to whine so here goes the first rant in nearly six months.
I can't even rant anymore. I used to love ranting. It used to be such a comforter. Its like the rant part of my brain shut down and was usurped by horrible poetry and mournful observing. Observation. Pah.
Well, the whole sleep business has been slightly alien to me recently. I still have sleep from January to catch up on. These three months have been anything but remotely friendly to me.
I created a band in school. I got murdered by nearly every teacher. For not asking their goddamned permission for starting a band. So, in the end I still get dirty glares from every single teacher. Education in India is just seriously messed up. You would think I was dealing drugs in school. Brrr.
Anyway after weeks of being tortured, we finally ended up performing a song in school. So, yeah. To sum it up, we forgot to ask for permission, we get cancelled, principal reinstated us, we carry around heavy instruments up and down three floors about 6 times, we perform epic-ly well, we get cancelled again, we are heartbroken, we cry (I cry), we get reinstated again, we perform pretty okay-ly, we are still hated by a breed known as teachers.
On close heels followed horrid exams. Even teachers didn't have any idea what to do and just assigned us to study pretty much everything we learnt this year. And that was not good news because:

  • I can't find the texts
  • I can't find the notes
  • I can't even understand whether its in German. Or Latin. Or in the whereabouts.
  • I can't remember what I had for breakfast, let alone commercial principles from 1912.
So, that was another one of screwed up accomplishments of the year. And like that, this awesome yet magical and really, really hard 9th grade came to an end. And next year is *drum roll* the year of all years: TENTH GRADE. The scary board examinations that we have been preparing all our lives for. Shivers. I no longer have a summer vacation. Farewell, days of joy and frolic and fun. Hello, cramming.
Until next time.....

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Liar

There is just one person in this world that you should never lie to.
Yourself.
Because, at the end of the night, when you are lost in a muddle of dirty glasses and crumpled sheets, only you are left. Because when you sit on the floor, glass fragments your only clothes, the only voices talking to you will be the ones left in your head.
You don't want to lie to those voices. Those voices are yours. They control you. Everything you do. Everything you are.
And they can tear you apart.

Don't lie to this voices in your head. They can hear you. They can here you crying for help. They know when you are pretending. That's why, each time you tell yourself it will get better, you fall harder, deeper. That's why the more you pretend you are fine, the more you lose yourself.


Monday, January 26, 2015

Drown

'Are you, are you coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee.
Strange things did happen here.
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.'

Would you meet me there? Would you come to me when I am too far gone to save? Would you save me even when you know you will drown? That neither of us will make it?
Will you hang onto an imaginary plank of hope as you reach out to me? Would you look into my eyes when we finally lose our battles? When we find solace only in one another?
Would you hold my hand as we sink into the depths of our infernos? Would you wear a necklace of rope side by side with me?
Or would you run? Would you leave me to the dogs, the monsters? Will you finally realise that loving me was never going to be enough for you?

(Yes, this is inspired by the Hunger Games. And a lot of bad moods. Cheers.)

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Introverted Extrovert

Well, to say that I was busy is an understatement anymore. I would probably need to invent a new word to describe my condition.
I-have-so-much-to-do-that-I-might-as-well-stop-breathing.
Yeah. That about explains it pretty correctly.
I don't really want to elaborate on that but since I am on a rant and the fact that there is no time or space in my brain to cook up something interesting to rant about I will rant about my busy, busy, busy life.
Sheesh. That is just narcissistic.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
I have been singing a lot recently. We have a huuuuuuuge function coming up at school. We are performing.
Shit. Shit. Damn. Damn. I am going to screw up. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Anyway, as usual I am freaking out. No big deal. I keep on freaking out all the time. Hopefully I won't trip on the instruments. And break my nose or something.
Well, what else? I have been weirder than usual. I jump up and down randomly. I trip on air. My hair looks like I just rode in a concorde jet with a couple of windows left open. My clothes may as well have been trampled on by a couple of horses for the way the lie in my wardrobe. I have weird sleep schedules. And I eat randomly. (More so than usual.) And I am a little more scatter brained than usual. Also, I have mastered the art of being an introverted extrovert.
As is common knowledge, I hate people in general. (I have this theory that I am an alien that is co-existing with the person who is the actual owner of this body. I hate her. She is ..... pretty horrible. So are all other people.)
So, anyway I have had to mingle with people more so than usual. What with the music thingy and the being semi-known in the school and having to put a pretense of not being rude. And so I have become the queen of having to talk to a lot people but avoiding it as far as I can. I really cannot deal with people well, But I manage. So I am the introverted extrovert.
Muaahahhahahahhaha!
(See? Weirder than usual.....)
Tootle-pips!

Friday, January 2, 2015

The belated vow

I have been putting this post off for a couple of days now. The inevitable new year post.
I detest this post. Primarily because, I had a remarkably bad new year day.
But anyway, I am here and that most certainly is not to whine.
I guess that would be me resolution except for the fact that I resolved a couple of years ago that I wouldn't take up any New year resolutions. (Let's admit it, New year resolutions never last, so what is the point? Besides it's like my friend pointed out, all this just a cover up for people to get out of bed and actually just do something.)
But I am not one to bash resolutions. In fact, I congratulate anyone who has the courage to take these up. I am merely a coward with no stomach for more broken vows.
But as I said, no more whining.
I loved this year.
It was gorgeous like a thunderstorm. So beautiful that sometimes I was afraid of destroying something as delicate as a butterfly wing. As usual, I was just waiting for it to crumble down. Collapse. But nothing happened.
And believe me I am grateful. More grateful than you can possibly expect from a the world's greatest pessimist.
Because this year, I got more than what I ever thought I wanted.
Because suddenly everything is dazzling and dizzying. Because suddenly all those shooting stars that I wished upon became mine.
Because this year made me see things I had never seen before.
Because the only feeling that overwhelmed me as the year ended was gratefulness.
And that is my only vow, the only promise I make to my self.
To be grateful to be alive to see one more beautiful day.
AN EPIC NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!!