Saturday, July 5, 2014

How Not to do Advertising

I realize that it has been over week since I have blogged, but since that isn't something that never happens, I won't apologize. I have noticed that most of my blog posts begin with apologies. NOT ANYMORE!!! MUAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!! Anyway since I am too busy trying to revamp my blog today I will be posting a self advertisement I did a long time ago. I find it funny so here goes:
The writer of this generally stupid and maddeningly boring piece is an almost 14 year old weirdo known as Niranjana Menon. She knows very well that big–shot companies don’t hire over-excited teenagers useless at anything but raving about everything ranging from photons to democracy to bad haircuts. But as usual, she feels that writing an essay is way more interesting and productive than sitting hunched in front of her desk completing Physics (or is it Geography?) homework.
She has a vague idea in the back of mind that constantly reminds her each time she comes up with a wild and crazy idea for this piece that she has to advertise herself as a writer. But she is painfully aware of the fact that she is not the ideal person somebody would want to hire to babysit their broken down car. She in her dreamy world would probably let somebody who doesn’t own the car take it for themselves. Nevertheless, here is a list of the things she thinks are great accomplishments in her life and would greatly revolutionize the company if they hired her. 
·         Managed to stare at her Geography teacher while not falling asleep- She was the only person in the whole class able to survive that period and that too with toothpicks propping up her eyelids from mercifully stopping the visual input of the inhumanely boring subject and teacher.
·         Putting a chocolate in her pocket when she does not even have a pocket- Well of course, she didn’t manage to find it later and did manage to drive her best-friends mad in search of it.
·         Writing in her blog once a month (or annually once) - As someone once said, ‘Something is better than nothing.’ The only drawback is that her posts are so weird she herself seldom understands what she writes. 
·         She finished a book in an hour- No; it was not Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. If she is correct it was the Ulysses. Or maybe it was Snow White.
·         Managed to pour an entire mug of water over her dark brown uniform skirt- She was attempting the extremely difficult task of taking a book behind a mug during art class. The rest of the class informed her that she had peed in her skirt.
·         Passing in a chemistry test when she had studied for physics- NOTE: The above mentioned student had not in the entire term opened her chemistry textbook. (So it is an added benefit if you hire her, she is extremely competent of preparing for extremely stressful situations in two minutes.)
·         She came last in the drawing competition in her school- Come to think of it even her 3 year old brother draws way better than her. Even 1st graders defeated her. Nevertheless it was a great experience for her to be the only person in high school to be drawing stick figures and purple faces.
·         The writer attended 7 different schools but never managed to make more than her consistent number of friends, 0 – The number of enemies were limitless but that wouldn’t be her achievement to claim to. They hated me so much that they should write a guide, ‘HOW TO HATE IRRITATING ANNOYING PEOPLE’.
·         She still counts on her fingers- She does know the tables up to ten and how to add 7 to 8. Who needs things after that when we have calculators and cell-phones is her impassioned plea.
  So here, the endless list of Niranjana’s humongous advantages over those desperately begging for this job ends. But she pleads the company that so rightly described her weird inhibitions in their ad; please rescue her from the clutches of her evil history teacher who unfairly calls her distracted when 1% of her brain was actually tuning into her boring descriptions of the constitution. And that’s how she decides to ends this advertisement of her wonderful, marvelous, charismatic self.
Farewell.
PS: You could hire me if you wanted to, you know. (hint hint)


2 comments:

  1. you're so funny haha. Your writing is just so light and fun to read :)

    ReplyDelete

Feel free to leave me a comment! I would love them!