Friday, October 25, 2013

Schedule

After a continuous line of very melancholic, depressive and generally horrible posts I am kind-of-ish back to my normal-ish self. But since the normal-ish self is rarely very happy, I am not very happy right now. I had a freakish week. Seriously I think I can divide myself into two equal halves now. The very loud and quite happy person who magically appears when I am at school, and the depressed, vulnerable side with myself. I officially proclaim out to the world that I suck and that I am a horrible, horrible person.
I technically had not planned this post so I really don't have much idea about what to write. My life is going on a monotonous routine. Wake up really early, do whatever homework I was too lazy to complete the day before, catch up on the things I have to study for the test, frantically search for my uniform and end up wearing mismatched socks. I usually eat my breakfast from the seat of my extremely,super, over-crowded van. I scream at the van driver and disinterestedly listen to newest gossip in the school. I honestly don't care about who like whom or which teacher did the mistake of the week. I climb up the van to grab my bag and trudge to the school, trying to avoid the omnipresent puddles. I go up, do a quick revision, then get sent to the assembly. I doodle over my textbooks and hands and get in minor trouble for not paying attention when in reality I just wasn't staring at the teacher because her lesson really sucked. I hope she goes into jail for killing her students out of boredom. I try to get my classmate out of the class. I go back, endure horrible subjects and get my lunch. I try to murder at least one person with a book or a lunchbox. I get thrown at by chalks. I listen. I go home. I eat. I cry. I sleep.
I wish maybe people would stop hating me.
I know I am not likable but still.
I wish the world, or somebody could make me like myself. I wish I could finally learn to accept myself. I wish that there was something that could make me believe that I am beautiful. I know I ask for too much, but then is it really impossible? Too far-fetched?
I wish I could learn to fly. I want to fly. And I want to breath. I really cannot right now.

5 comments:

  1. Niranjana, it is always so sad when i read about people struggling to fit in or be liked. There is not much i can do except share a little thing that worked for me.

    You are a person, try by liking yourself first, then the whole world will follow, don't expect too much from yourself and don't be disappointed when you let yourself down it is bound to happen, days get better but only a moment at a time. Good luck and hope you feel better soon :)

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  2. Hey, Niranjana (hug). School is definitely a difficult place to fit in. Squid is right. You have to start within yourself if you want to create change versus more of the same. Would it be possible for you to attend school online? There are some free online public school programs. Do you have the self-discipline to make that option a success?

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  3. Who told you that you weren't beautiful?
    I don't believe them.

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  4. It sounds like your being to hard on yourself Niranjana, no one is born to do everything, as hard as that might be to accept. Instead of focusing on everything that's crumbling around you, take a moment to watch as those broken pillars sprout into blooming flowers of hope. Just stay strong, you can make it through this. I can empathize with you so well that I think my words may not just be meant for you, but for me. There are others out there, maybe not just like you, but one's who can understand what your going through- because they're going through it themselves.
    It's especially hard to accept yourself, when others can't accept you. I understand :)
    There are more important people in your life though, just take a moment to realize that they will come, or are already there. Keep you head up girl, though I'm a complete stranger I wish I could give you a hug right now. You'll make it through this :)

    Lyndsey at: http://fantasyworldlr.blogspot.com/

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