Sunday, September 29, 2013

Absolutely Raving Mad

I really started out with a really genius idea for a post, but after writing about half of it, I deleted it. It sounded lame. And forced. Very forced. Like somebody tried to over-squeeze a lemon and it turns slightly bitter.
So I am pretty sure you have noticed that the last two posts are, to put it in mild and simple words, DEPRESSIVE. I am not saying that I am in a great mood right now. But slightly better. Microscopically better. Which is why I decided to present a lighter post.
Well, um, uh... oh forget it. I have no humor. Blah. I feel like ramming my head against the desk.
Done. I really think I have gone completely bonkers.
I and my crazy best friend tried to murder each other.
I think the reason was an argument based on democracy or the photons or somethings.
I am not kidding.
My more sane best-friend had to drag us apart.
I was home-alone for a week.
I punched a wall.
I downloaded about 15423 songs and deleted 15405 songs of those.
I watched the first episode of Hannah Montana and found out that I hate it more than ever.
Blah blah.
I made an inspiration jar inspired by Sunny from her blog The Slightly Awkward Geek.
I think she is very nice and runs a nice blog.
I think I need a psychiatrist.
Correction: I need a psychiatrist.
Thank god for spell check on Google.
Otherwise I would never know the spelling of 'psychiatrist'.
I still don't.
I think some of you are probably murdering me in your minds.
I understand.
I think I should stop now.
Nah.
Please keep your heads on top of your necks.
Hahaha.
Got the joke?
No?
I didn't think so.
I tried to a headstand and fell on my back.
I am multi-tasking.
Any one asking whether I lost a couple of nuts?
Probably in the process of repeatedly banging my head against the wall.
Tootle-pips.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Lone

Something seems to be missing. No, my mind is deluded. Everything is here, in its place. Everything is perfectly fine. Except for me.
My heart is thudding. So hard. It is starting to hurt a bit. I ignore it. I am not sure about where I have to go. I don't know. I stumble. I am lying on the ground. I don't thing I want to get up. I stay. 
Somebody is standing beside me. I don't know that person very well. I think she wants to help me. She reaches out her hand to me. I don't know whether to reach back. I am torn. What if she let's me fall again? Some people have. Already. Let me fall harder, deeper. But I have always pulled myself back out. I am not sure I have the strength do that anymore. I am fatigued. I need help. I am too scared to ask for it. I am about to reach out for it. I stop myself. 'No, I have to get myself back onto my own feet.' I refuse the hand. I get up, grazing my palms in the process. 
The owner of the hand looks stunned. I think she believed that in the state that I was, I would take any help that came my way. Maybe she really wouldn't hurt me. Maybe...
No. No. I steel myself. I continue my trek to who-knows-where. I hear a scramble behind me. I think she is following me. 
I walk faster  I am determined to let her go. But somebody is following me. Eventually the footsteps slow down. They stop. I turn around, panting. I am alone again. All alone again.
And then I finally know. I was alone. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Alice In Wonderland

I am lost. I didn't fall through a hole. I didn't follow a rabbit. A cold breeze brought me here. I could recognize it but then it was a memory from a far past. I know not what it is. I need to follow it. I go through a black hole which seems to be its source. Such a beautiful one.Glistening, glittering. I was in my land. I was in my Wonderland. Everything was a half-truth here. Everything was a half lie here. Nothing was complete. Nothing began. Nothing had ever ended. I know this place. It's a safe haven for me. It won't give me away.It was the one home I have. 
Ah, that breeze is back again. It chills me, it freezes me. But I know the feeling it was bringing along with it. It seems to make happy. So very happy. I have forgotten its name. But I know I remember it. 
I suddenly started. Turn around and find a pair of eyes looking at me. I look at them. I am mesmerized by them. They are brown, liquid like. Velvet eyes I want to reach out to. Eyes like never before. But they have started to look away. Those are moving away. They are running away from me. I realize a need for them to stay. I can't breath. I knew I could never catch up. Those  moving to fast. But I blindly ran up the forest. I vainly try to pursue them. I am too slow. Panting, tripping, I come to a slow stop. It is too late. The golden forests are empty but for the silently whispering trees.
                                    
Something is running down my cheek. Tears. I never cried before. I never cared enough to cry. 
I make my way through the forest. I knew my way here. It seemed as though I had come here with a map etched in my mind. I knew this place in my heart. I know that a little farther ahead rests a a shore. A small patch of sand decorated with  millions of glittering shells. The forest slowly receded. It cleared out. I rapidly suck my breath in. It is so much prettier than the way I knew it. Than the way I had dreamed about it.I set myself down on the prickly sand. It hurt me. It hurt me quite a lot. 
I don't know how long I had stayed there before I feel somebody's searching gaze. I pray that it is my velvet eyes before I turn around. It is not. However I don't mind these either. These eyes don't want to hurt me. I invite them to join me in my desolate and yet comforting dwelling. These eyes are different from the first ones. They want to come. But they don't. They too start to run away. 
I somehow know I need to keep moving. I am sweating. I am tired. I keep losing myself. I fall. I see glimpses of some other eyes. Some that were hiding dark, alien secrets. Some I knew so well but still didn't know at all. Some that were hurting themselves and hurting me. A set trying to show me the way. A lying pair too. I realize that no one was really staying. I feel a lance of pain shoot through my chest.I am hurting. I am in pain. I do not have anybody with me. I am all alone.
I pick up a twig and write in big, crude letters with tears clouding my vision,
'Please stay. Don't leave me alone. Please help.'
With a jolt I realize the breeze has stopped. I suddenly know its name too. It was known as hope.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Upset

This is all spontaneous so you may not like this. I am suddenly feeling all down. It started with a conversation and suddenly I am all upset. For no reasons at all. I am freaking out for things I can't understand. I don't understand who is a friend, who is not. I am mixed. I am risking upsetting at least 5 people. Very badly. I tried to listen to music to make me happier. I just got some crappy songs. Nothing seems to be going right this afternoon. I wish I had somebody I could really open up to right now.Everybody seems missing right when I need them.
I just am trying to diagnose my feelings. I talked a bit to my best friend and she told me that I had got a severe case of confusion with a large dose of not being able to comprehend anything. I would do anything to talk to her right now. I simply can't.
I simply can't mess up right now. Not in my life. I keep on trying to make myself happy but in the end get so sad. Upset with things that I can't seem to control.I have the reins but the horses of life just too strong. I am lucky. But still the luckier the more upset.
I know that life is very good. But just when I think I am perfectly patched up I go and get a new bruise. I feel like Bella from Twilight (I don't like it but I am reading it cause my friends love it). Stumbling over everything. So very clumsy.
Don't worry. I am perfectly fine. I keep on getting upset like this every now and then. I just was on the computer when I got this pang of desperation. I will be fine. I will survive. Au revoir. (French)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Pasta and Masks and Tempers

By the way, have ever told any of you this? I get annoyed really, really quick. The smallest joke wounds my ego which seems too tender by the bigger bruises. Anything and everything tends to make me a upset. Yeah so, hello again. Here is my promised post. But beware, I am not in the best of moods.
I made pasta without injuring myself too much. I did chip off a little bit of my finger's skin. The pasta turned out pretty great. It was just a medley of some kinda pasta plus a million sauces plus a liter of ketchup plus old oregano plus a melted blob of cheese and a ruined sausage. It is definitely surprising that it turned out edible.
I did a mask for my SUPW project. I can definitely see that bewildered expression on your face.
S- Socially U-Useful P-Productive W- Work. 
I don't know how making masks and baskets out of handmade paper is helping my society. One of the weird paradoxes of my school. My mask originally looked terrible. It looked like a dying pharoah and a sea-sick man combined together.
Yeah. So I guess this is the end of the earlier promised post. I gotta go. Peace people! 

Quirks

Nope. I am not even bothering with an apology.  I will just write a quick post and be back by Friday. Hopefully.
7 quirks about me:
1. I love raw mangoes. Salted raw mangoes.  I eat them by the tonne.
2. I have a tendency to bite my nails and lips a lot. A LOT.
3. I get terrible car sickness.  Just car sickness.  Nothing on trains,  buses or flights.
4. I lose everything.  Especially my glasses.  The problem with losing glasses is that you can't keep them to find them.
5. I tend to multi task a lot.  I study, eat, listen to music, watch television and babysit my brother simultaneously.
6. I like to keep my room dirty.  It makes me feel right at home.
7. I am hyperactive.  Not medically but ask qnyone who knows me for a minute.  They will swear that not only am I hyperactive and nuts but also slightly crazy. And very weird.

so that's how we come to the end of a very short post. I will be able to get a chance to write a post by Friday but I think I have an incomplete one somewhere here.  If I find i will post it.  Ciao.