Sunday, January 27, 2013

My(worthless,useless,stupid) Notes

When I hit rock bottom some months ago I started my kind of my own kind of a notes. It was just a bunch of pages stuck together to which I added a new page when I felt upset. I just hunted them up now and thought that it would be perfect for a blog article.
Warning: I wrote this when I was really really upset so please ignore all the nonsensical parts I have written. I will try to make it easier to understand through hints in between. Also it is extremely boring. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

                                                                     Note 1
Sept     : Okay so this might be the most weirdest day or month to start writing this  but this will probably end up being my new best friend. This is not funny. Each day is a war in which I am losing. Losing friends, kind of friends, myself. Am i me? I don't know. I have always been an ordinary girl. Okay who am i kidding? I am a slightly smart girl and am always ridiculed at. Today I was trying to be friends with the 'Clique' (If you have read my article Is it good to be different? you will remember that i tried very hard to be friends with them earlier. This thing is written around that time). I made a complete fool of myself. I am a huge failure and everybody seems to know it. I am becoming a cynic. I am depressed. Tears fill my eyes. Am I still the old me? (Yup. Can you believe that I was such a big cry baby at that time. I whimpered at every little thing.)

                                                                      Note 2
Sept     : Oh my. I am not me. Some spirit has taken control over me. How else can I explain all the nonsense I am doing. I do what supposedly 'cool' (ha ha) people do but I look horrible when I try to copy them. On TV 'I don't care' is cool. It marks their superiority or whatever.. But when I say it all I am left with is smirks, glares and exchanged 'I told you so' glances. Even if I say I don't care about something I shouldn't bother myself with they still hate it. They feel I am being defiant, over smart you name it. My unfeeling friends don't love me, others hate me and I keep on whimpering on a daily basis. But at least I found somethings that are really beautiful (those objects include a dug up chocolate, some book and my music system I had lost. My best friends then, I guess.) God doesn't give all bad things in one day. He slowly makes you stronger by taking out every tear you can possibly shed. Am I really me?

                                                                     Note 3
Sept     : I had a regular day today= horrible. I was in tears again. Thank god I am not crying now or this paper would be a sloppy mess. Writing is helping me indeed. I say wrong things at wrong times. My tongue is doing overtime even though I don't call myself much of a talker (Of course I am not much of a talker, I used keep quiet during lunch times! Extremely abnormal for a teen). My life is in melancholy, a mess that I can't make head and tail of. They don't understand me('They' being the world), I am not able to express myself. Each time they say something I automatically stomp up to my room if close to home or to the library if at school. To me it is just self-defense, but to everybody else rebellion, tantrums etc. I am weird, a nerd, a dork, a freak, a loner. Am I still me?

                                                                    Note 4

Sept     :  Why can't I have a frustration-less day? School frustrates me, frenemies frustrate me they frustrate me. In the end all that is left is left of me is a nervous wreck leaking tears at regular intervals. Frenemies  who I thought were great don't think great of me. Everybody is selfish while I go to great distances not to hurt anybody. And finally the only person I hurt is myself. I lament out my pains on this paper. This is not a diary or a journal (Duh to me!). It is simply something to help me cope with my extreme emotions which are, at present, all negative. I am feeling better now. As I read somewhere it is better to channel emotions into work and do something productive. Yeah anyways my problem is that nobody cares for me whole-heartedly. My classmates think that whatever that is done for you has to be returned with interest %(What was I even thinking at that time?! Oh yeah double maths.). Man, I had better friends back then. Am I still the old me?

                                                                   Note 5 
Sept     : This totally sucks but I have to do it or I will be sucked into incurable depression(Ha I think I hit my head somewhere that day). 
           Bad things in life                                                            Good things in life

  1.      Love                                                                         1.    My brother  
  2.     Hate                                                                          2.     My essays  
  3.     Me                                                                            3.     Love 
  4.     Singing                                                                      4.      Music  
  5.     Dancing                                                                     5.     The past
  6.     Friend[Back talking]                                                                                    
  7.     My looks                                                                                  
  8.     Jealousy                                                                                   
  9.     Thanklessness
  10.     Oversmartness                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Life sucks
Totally. (I can't understand why I was so stuck up then)

                                                                 Note 6
Oct     : Why can't I live a normal life? I never have had many friends. Even in that small pool some were and are back talkers.What are left is just a big fat 0. Why does everybody make fun of me? It hurts (obviously).I just want to throw aside all friendship garbage. There is no such thing as a true friend in this world. I try my best but everybody keeps distance from me. Why? Why? Why? But I guess not all fundamental (ha) questions of life can be answered. I am feeling much better now. Am I still the old me?

                           (And finally the last one) Note 7
Oct     : I am a complete idiot. I try to be good, the best. But no I am not gonna make myself reach anywhere. I am forever gonna be discriminated for the cool girls. At least I found a really really nice person today. My new really good friend ( I thought I had tossed all friendship into the garbage in the previous note) is very much like me and still we are poles apart. I think she understands me unlike them who don't say thank you or at least acknowledge favors. The problem with them is that they feel I am arrogant. I AM NOT ARROGANT(I was arrogant definitely). I know who I am. Or maybe I don't. Am I still the old me?

So with that we come to the end of my lame lamentations. I offer my congrats to those who were able to survive this well, ordeal. So 'Nägemist.'(Estonian)

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