Tuesday, January 29, 2013

No Identity

I didn't have a sign till very recently. It used to depress me very much. I never was an artist in any mode. I sing like a donkey, draw like a toddler on walls and dance like an elephant. Sadly my inability to draw affected even geometry and my signature. I used to finish books trying to find a decent signature. I would see pretty signs, stylish signs, quirky signs and quaint ones and would try to copy all but end up with a jumbled combination that spelt  'prstququ' (Noticed? Mixture of the above said attributions) and ended up screaming plain weird. After a certain while I got so fed up that I just scribbled out my initial with a zig-zag line under it. It looked elementary and stupid next to all the beautiful and awesome signs my immature classmates had just found cool. I started looking for signs in the Internet and started stealing some ideas of others. My own cousin sister had the most awesome one I had ever seen. With the straight lines perfectly straight and the curved lines perfect in their own way each of her signs were carbon copies of each other. Mine were different even if I used a carbon paper underneath one. I was JEALOUS. My parents saying that i had a lot of time to determine my sign. But in the cut-throat world of middle school you kill or die (I mean you have to trample or get squished and I was dangerously close to getting flattened to a pancake). Don't think I am being silly. During some exams which were taken out of school we had to sign our name and mark our attendance and get our hall ticket. The supervisors were marking the attendance one student at a time while we were writing the exam and I was approached close to the end. I glanced into the sheet and was so blown away by some that I dropped my pen. That day I decided something. I decided  not to eat and sleep till I found a good,proper, stylish and awesome signature. I let go of the food vow(I had to keep my energy up!) but stayed up all night practicing different flourishes and doodles and fonts for my name. Dangerously close to falling asleep I tried out something. A e like curve changing into an N, some other alphabets in between and then a looping J from which continued an A and the rest of the alphabets of my 'extremely-hard-to-make-a-sign-with' name. Victorious I fell into exhausted but glowering with happiness dreamless sleep.
   I was late for school the next day but was it worth it. Rummaging around for socks all I could think was that I finally have an identity, a place in the world. I was already present in this world for 13 years but it was only then I felt accountable. Stupid, but smileable. So people,cherish your signatures, the one thing that makes you you and something to the world and 'xudafiz'. (Azerbaijani)

Sunday, January 27, 2013

My(worthless,useless,stupid) Notes

When I hit rock bottom some months ago I started my kind of my own kind of a notes. It was just a bunch of pages stuck together to which I added a new page when I felt upset. I just hunted them up now and thought that it would be perfect for a blog article.
Warning: I wrote this when I was really really upset so please ignore all the nonsensical parts I have written. I will try to make it easier to understand through hints in between. Also it is extremely boring. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

                                                                     Note 1
Sept     : Okay so this might be the most weirdest day or month to start writing this  but this will probably end up being my new best friend. This is not funny. Each day is a war in which I am losing. Losing friends, kind of friends, myself. Am i me? I don't know. I have always been an ordinary girl. Okay who am i kidding? I am a slightly smart girl and am always ridiculed at. Today I was trying to be friends with the 'Clique' (If you have read my article Is it good to be different? you will remember that i tried very hard to be friends with them earlier. This thing is written around that time). I made a complete fool of myself. I am a huge failure and everybody seems to know it. I am becoming a cynic. I am depressed. Tears fill my eyes. Am I still the old me? (Yup. Can you believe that I was such a big cry baby at that time. I whimpered at every little thing.)

                                                                      Note 2
Sept     : Oh my. I am not me. Some spirit has taken control over me. How else can I explain all the nonsense I am doing. I do what supposedly 'cool' (ha ha) people do but I look horrible when I try to copy them. On TV 'I don't care' is cool. It marks their superiority or whatever.. But when I say it all I am left with is smirks, glares and exchanged 'I told you so' glances. Even if I say I don't care about something I shouldn't bother myself with they still hate it. They feel I am being defiant, over smart you name it. My unfeeling friends don't love me, others hate me and I keep on whimpering on a daily basis. But at least I found somethings that are really beautiful (those objects include a dug up chocolate, some book and my music system I had lost. My best friends then, I guess.) God doesn't give all bad things in one day. He slowly makes you stronger by taking out every tear you can possibly shed. Am I really me?

                                                                     Note 3
Sept     : I had a regular day today= horrible. I was in tears again. Thank god I am not crying now or this paper would be a sloppy mess. Writing is helping me indeed. I say wrong things at wrong times. My tongue is doing overtime even though I don't call myself much of a talker (Of course I am not much of a talker, I used keep quiet during lunch times! Extremely abnormal for a teen). My life is in melancholy, a mess that I can't make head and tail of. They don't understand me('They' being the world), I am not able to express myself. Each time they say something I automatically stomp up to my room if close to home or to the library if at school. To me it is just self-defense, but to everybody else rebellion, tantrums etc. I am weird, a nerd, a dork, a freak, a loner. Am I still me?

                                                                    Note 4

Sept     :  Why can't I have a frustration-less day? School frustrates me, frenemies frustrate me they frustrate me. In the end all that is left is left of me is a nervous wreck leaking tears at regular intervals. Frenemies  who I thought were great don't think great of me. Everybody is selfish while I go to great distances not to hurt anybody. And finally the only person I hurt is myself. I lament out my pains on this paper. This is not a diary or a journal (Duh to me!). It is simply something to help me cope with my extreme emotions which are, at present, all negative. I am feeling better now. As I read somewhere it is better to channel emotions into work and do something productive. Yeah anyways my problem is that nobody cares for me whole-heartedly. My classmates think that whatever that is done for you has to be returned with interest %(What was I even thinking at that time?! Oh yeah double maths.). Man, I had better friends back then. Am I still the old me?

                                                                   Note 5 
Sept     : This totally sucks but I have to do it or I will be sucked into incurable depression(Ha I think I hit my head somewhere that day). 
           Bad things in life                                                            Good things in life

  1.      Love                                                                         1.    My brother  
  2.     Hate                                                                          2.     My essays  
  3.     Me                                                                            3.     Love 
  4.     Singing                                                                      4.      Music  
  5.     Dancing                                                                     5.     The past
  6.     Friend[Back talking]                                                                                    
  7.     My looks                                                                                  
  8.     Jealousy                                                                                   
  9.     Thanklessness
  10.     Oversmartness                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Life sucks
Totally. (I can't understand why I was so stuck up then)

                                                                 Note 6
Oct     : Why can't I live a normal life? I never have had many friends. Even in that small pool some were and are back talkers.What are left is just a big fat 0. Why does everybody make fun of me? It hurts (obviously).I just want to throw aside all friendship garbage. There is no such thing as a true friend in this world. I try my best but everybody keeps distance from me. Why? Why? Why? But I guess not all fundamental (ha) questions of life can be answered. I am feeling much better now. Am I still the old me?

                           (And finally the last one) Note 7
Oct     : I am a complete idiot. I try to be good, the best. But no I am not gonna make myself reach anywhere. I am forever gonna be discriminated for the cool girls. At least I found a really really nice person today. My new really good friend ( I thought I had tossed all friendship into the garbage in the previous note) is very much like me and still we are poles apart. I think she understands me unlike them who don't say thank you or at least acknowledge favors. The problem with them is that they feel I am arrogant. I AM NOT ARROGANT(I was arrogant definitely). I know who I am. Or maybe I don't. Am I still the old me?

So with that we come to the end of my lame lamentations. I offer my congrats to those who were able to survive this well, ordeal. So 'Nägemist.'(Estonian)

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The programme

In our school traditionally we have a Republic day program every year on 26th January. And believe me it’s big and is hard multiplied by ten. All the teachers, co-curricular and subject alike go into overdrive. And obviously they push all the poor, already-overburdened students into double overdrive. Suddenly all the teachers who had been taking the math ,chem and bio portions slow and steadily start taking tests and projects like crazy. And the other teachers who actually are to instruct us way before, before and during the program get so stressed you can see sacks of potatoes under their eyes. This year I am in seventh and our grade is performing 'Karate'(yikes!) this year. I am a total piece of trash when it comes to P.E. Probably the most uncoordinated girl in my entire school. And my karate master had embarrassed me in front of my whole class during one day I was completely distracted (double yikes!). So now try picturing me, most useless girl in karate springing to be one of the best in one day. I am sparing you details. So somehow I end up near the first line (for the first time in my life, I usually always end up in the farthest corner!) near the prima girl temporarily in everything (= miss perfect). Okay now a slight number visualization for you; imagine 135 13 year olds practicing karate in the baking Indian sun for SEVEN 45 min long periods. Then imagine them coming back to class and cramming for physics test which closely followed by a quadrilaterals period. I was beat. I had 3 injuries from karate; one on the ankle, second one on my back and the third one on my wrist. I hobbled about for the last two periods (more math and geography=doom). As all of us trudged home we had one big question on our minds, one that all students face some day or the other in their life 'Do I really have to submit chemistry project tomorrow?’ Yup, a chemistry project. Can a day get worse? Fortunately I went to sleep the second I reached home and nobody had the heart to wake me up.
We are good, but not this good!
 Okay the next day that was today was worse in the beginning and got better later on. I thought nobody would do the project and I would get off scot-free. No such luck. 90% people brought theirs, all nice and beautiful and complete. I was devastated. Thankfully my best friend had also not done it. Chemistry approached and I could hear my heart beats go tick tock. Then the bell rang for THE TIME OF DOOM FOR SOME STUDENTS. But then no, our karate sir called us up for practice. I swear that he looked like god to me then. I could almost see the halo around him. And he did not make us work that hard today. And the teachers took it easy on us. The chemistry teacher came to collect the projects during lunch but my friend and I ran and took cover under our favorite tree. Temporary escape but an escape nevertheless. So know you will wonder why I am typing a blog article when I might as well finish the project. Nah I have half day at school tomorrow (whopeeeee!) so she won't be able to collect it. And since I boasted about my school's programmes I try to put this year’s programme video on. So till then 'viszlát'. (Hungarian)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Is it good to be different?

What are you: standing-in or standing-out?
Here is a brief description of my life story. It is just a link to a question of mine:
I am one of the most un-popular students in my school, maybe my entire school. Many people know me but 95% totally despise me. Okay, I know that I am not the most likable personality in this world. I am bossy, slightly arrogant and like to answer my teacher when she asks a question. But that is considered cool in my school. Being cool= giggle, have at least 70 friends and never ever read Shakespeare unless it is there in the curriculum. Well as none of the above said are applicable to me . In fact I am quite the contrary. I hate giggling, have maybe 2 friends and am addicted to almost all kinds of literature available(that is anything except textbooks)  . So then as I am trying to imply I am weird. Not cool. A nerd. A geek. But is being cool all you need to survive school? I have lived the life of a nomad. Juggling all over southern and central India the most hardest thing I found in each new school or colony was to be taken in. To fit in like a piece of puzzle in the right place. But I never did. Always in the first few months I would try then let that be there and return to my most faithful of friends ,books. At least they didn't bite back.
 At school I always do pretty well without trying too hard. But in today's well, cool factor if you get good marks you are a mugger. I am not mugging. I hate mugging and muggers. They don't have imagination, no ideas and no creativity. I am an artist; at least a literal one, at least I try. After a couple of years of getting assigned as an outcast I gave up. Then after having something of a nothing other than bound books to call as friends I had to move back to a city and school that had labelled me loser. I was worried,would my ex-classmates welcome me back? Well the answer to that nothing but a big fat NO. But I then I patched up old  some relationships, mended some, added frills to others and also soured some. I found somebody like me who taught me it was good to be different and it was actually really cool to be the person to know stuff. I saw light in her explanations I tried to make friends with my fellow socially-challenged. These people were all out of the cliques because they thought differently, didn't do things in other's ways. At first I cautiously made friends with a couple of them, then some more, then the whole lot. I realized how really awesome they were, how different they were from each other. They are better than any mean and supposedly 'cool' person.

   What is this tale's meaning? It doesn't have much. It is just a question I have carried in my mind for several years and have never received an answer for. I know that all great people are different but sometimes isn't it better to be in the crowd to just have everybody in your stride?Should we be different just in the end to be ignored? I don't know and don't suppose I ever will. What do you think about it? 'Afscheid' and see you all later.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Un-Nostalgic days

Never forget those days that make you who you are.
Don't all of us have days in which reminisce our past and just want to go back and live it again, get another chance to live it to the fullest? And since this nostalgia is one of the most overused subject in literature's history I will write about something slightly different. Just two alphabets added and are well.... poles apart. There are days for most of us that we just wanna erase out of our memory. Use an eraser and scrub it out of our lives. Never to be subject to that insecurity or embarrassment or pain. However these are not what I call 'un-nostalgic' days. The times I just mentioned meant  the times you never ever remember again. At the instant a memorable thing happens you might want to remember something for the rest of your life. However our mind is a big prankster, and before you know it that day might be very insignificant and boring to you and others. Such a puny creature is man! So to not allow lovely, 'unforgettable days' to be thrown out of your brain like rotting trash, recall that day everyday. Recall its magic and the joy it brought to you. Soon you will see true value in it and that moment will forever be etched in your mind. So....... 'lamtumirë.' (Albanian).

Sunday, January 13, 2013

My Cascade of Dreams.

A portrait titled 'Cascade of dreams'

Today I come to explaining why I named this blog so. Well I come from a developing town in a developing state in developing India (sorry, no other details). Well as I said earlier I want to become a writer. So to make my mark real quick in this world (sorry, no matter how patriotic I am to my nation I have to say it is extremely hard to make a dent in this large automobile of a country, one reason is its population) and not wait for my never-finishing book I started this blog. This puny thing of a blog but a blog nevertheless. I do realize now that I still haven’t come to my point as to why I have named it so. I speak in circles, a lot, don't I? Anyway let's get to the point. I am, was and will be a completely absent-minded person whose head is forever in the clouds. That explains the 'dream' part. Well the 'cascade' part, I am afraid has no explanation. I don't even remember why I named it 'cascade'. Maybe I found it poetic or lyrical or whatever. So with whatever meager explanation I have given for this well quite unexplainable name I call it a day. So see ya folks later and 'Zbogom ljudi'. (Croatian)

Friday, January 11, 2013

Teen...or not!

So here I am- a complete social introvert who gets excited by debates and novels(real novels, not all the stupid nonsensical books of today) rather than by teen mags or hair styles or earrings or whatever is in style at the moment (it changes practically every second!). I hate most things teens are joined to the hip with. Examples are cited below: Giggling, eyes rolling, lalalala stuff and ... who cares. Frankly and obviously I don't. But I do like something about being in the Teen years, it gives a sense of freedom. I mean even though your birthday was just over a couple of days ago you suddenly realize that now you belong to yourself. Throughout your childhood you are mama's or papa's golden child, now suddenly you are not. Now you argue with them for the slightest thing and get your needs fulfilled (usually!). Anyways so I bid you all 'Addio'.(Italian)

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Miss Weirdness kicks off

I am there. I am not there. Sometimes I just disappear. I don't mean the 'Poof!' kind of disappear. I just hide myself behind a wall of emotion: one that makes me invisible. I guess this is extremely weird for my first blog post. But this is the thing that came to my mind. I mean it just hit in my head. Ding. Or rather dong. Cause I am rather dumb and empty vessels make the most noise, right? So, um I have no idea how to end this thing. So here comes the simplest of farewells "Adiós mi amigo"! (Spanish)